I had a short text exchange with Cole today regarding when the three of us would next meet for dinner (usually Costco pizza & martinis at my place). The gist was that the response to the press release for their upcoming move was far less than ideal, though they’ve received much support from their friends. Given what I’ve read on the 12 News Facebook page (here and, more particularly, here), I see her point and feel for both of them.
This is a rare moment of conciseness for me (though you may disagree) and I’ll preface what I intend to say next with this: I’m a middle-aged, professional, disabled, bisexual male. My most committed relationships have been heterosexual in nature, but the fact of my bisexuality has never changed. Of course, I’m saying nothing here that Cole and Dayna don’t already know. However, I’ve had (and taken advantage of) the dubious advantage of appearing largely straight through nearly all of my adult life – even to many of those closest to me – and have never felt I’ve had a good reason to lead anyone to believe that I’m anything other than absolutely straight. Some of the responses to Cole and Dayna today illustrate why this is an advantage. That changes now for the sake of the solidarity that I have to acknowledge with my friends. Anything that any of you who have ever debated with me on the issue of gay marriage or reparative therapies can adjust your opinions and dispositions toward me accordingly. No doubt many of my more conservative friends will be re-evaluating those conversations. However, nothing I’ve ever said on these matters has ever been meant to benefit me personally. This must appear particularly obvious, as I’ve never played the “special” card that Cole and Dayna are accused of playing. I’ve said it because it is right and it’s time that I share the risk with them.
So, as some of you have asked, “Why is this news?” First of all, it’s news because you make it news. If this were any other coupled set of small business owners, you wouldn’t be asking that question. You wouldn’t be going to the trouble of posting to Facebook on something that you likely only tripped over while flipping channels. You’ve asked it only because they are gay and, therefore, perpetuate this as some twisted version of the news yourselves. All you see is “gay,” and your very attention on the matter draws contention in the same way that a book burning compels us to read what is being burned. If you don’t think this is news, why are you wasting your time and making it news?
For the “straight white males” out there who have pointed themselves out as the non-recipients of certain rights and respect… get over yourselves. You’ll have notice that Cole and Dayna are leaving and not asking you for anything and the respect that they have has been earned, not simply afforded them because they are gay. Certainly, you weren’t asked to tell us how NOT special you are. Cole and Dayna are not flamboyant (though you might be more comfortable if they were less visible) and Cole has made it quite plain that she does not intend to be a victim in this. Telling their friends and patrons that they are leaving is a loving act of consideration and just good business, not an attempt to compare themselves to you. Indeed, they are two of the most frustratingly self-reliant people I’ve ever known and I wish that I had more opportunities to help them. They’re not asking you for a thing and this isn’t some zero-sum game where attention lavished on them means attention and respect taken from you.
Just a couple of hours before her TED talk late last year, Cole caught me sipping tea crammed into a corner at Songbird Coffee & Tea House. We’d talked much longer than Cole had intended, but it’s usually hard for us to tear ourselves away. Cole and I agreed on something rather important that morning. As a blind man, I’ve not been spared my share of contusions, cuts and broken noses that have often been the result of a desperate wish to appear normal (and thereby avoid using my cane for far too long) and be all but pathologically independent. More straightforwardly, I’ve needed simply to move – to travel and continue to connect outside my home – and that often much faster than is prudent. Though sometimes rooted in a less noble desire, the risk is productive, if not always sensible. I’m likely one of the most beautifully well-adapted and adjusted blind men you will ever meet. You probably won’t realize I’m blind when we meet… but I have been hurt, and that sometimes badly. But I’ve never risked as Cole, Dayna and many of my less closeted counterparts have.
What Cole and I agreed on is that we have to be willing to risk harm to continue to gain ground – or sometimes simply keep what we have. This is distinct from wanting to be hurt. Keeping our heads and not twisting ourselves into masochistically driven, self-deceived messes is the trick. Keeping… and letting go of… ourselves is the trick. Knowing that there will be a blow coming and not finding ourselves flinching every time our phones vibrate is the trick. I will do a Dick Van Dyke over the ottoman again eventually (For those of you that this reference dates, click here.). Cole and Dayna will meet the ever-resentful “not specials” and “why is this news?” people again. They will be met with less passive-aggressive, more self-righteous and open hostility.
The trick is to know we’re loved, even if we don’t feel so special. The trick is to remember that we’ve loved. That may be the most important bit. As a more supportive Facebook poster noted in a comment on the following photo, “… I think you can be about ‘being right’ or you can choose love. Love is always the best choice.”
While we may not be losing them as friends, we are losing the opportunity to brush past Cole and Dayna from time to time and feel their specialness – and how special we feel around them. I’m genuinely grateful for that. Thank you. I love you both.
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